Being a teacher is one of the most fulfilling careers out there. Every day, you get the chance to mold the young minds who will grow up to be the leaders of the world.
You also get a front row seat to some of the most hilarious interactions ever.
Back in 2014, former teacher, NoahtheRed, made a Reddit post about the dumbest person he’d ever met. That person was a student in his ninth-grade class whom he referred to in his post as Kevin.
Here are some excerpts from NoahtheRed’s post.
NoahtheRed starts off by explaining that not every student is going to be a genius at every single thing:
It’s not uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a bit behind the curve in certain aspects, but 99.99999% of the time, they are keen on something.
They might not understand how to identify a noun or what theme is, but they somehow know how to make a mean plate of nachos.
You learn pretty quick to not judge fish for their tree climbing ability, ya know?
…And then we meet Kevin.
I thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Kevin isn’t his real name, but it doesn’t matter because he can’t spell it anyway.
Kevin was a student of mine during my last year of teaching. He came to my classroom with very little to show for his academic past.
He had moved a few times and thus was missing a lot of typical test scores that we use to try and ballpark their ability.
I thought, “That’s fine. I’ll just do some one-on-one with Kevin and see what’s up.”
One-on-one with Kevin was like conversing with someone who’d forgotten everything in a freak, if not impossible, amnesia incident.
There was no evidence that he had learned anything past the 2nd grade…and now he was in 9th grade.
Flabbergasted, I figured we needed to get more serious with this. If he was going to be in my class, I needed to know why and how.
I decided to meet with him, his guidance counselor, his parents, and another teacher to see what was really going on. This is where it all became clear.
It was by some incredible fluke that his family hadn’t been wiped off the face of the Earth years ago.
Odds are his entire heritage was based on blind luck and some type of sick divine intervention that saves his family every time a threat presents itself.
Kevin was the genetic pinnacle of this null achievement.
Even my instructional lead, a woman who could find a redeeming trait in a Balrog, failed to see any reason this kid or his family should be alive today.
So here’s a list of events that made it abundantly clear that God exists and he’s laughing uncontrollably:
Let’s start with the basics.
Kevin frequently forgot when/where class was.
On more than one occasion, I had to retrieve him from other classrooms.
A fail of many colors.
Kevin ate an entire 24 pack of crayons, puked, and then did it again the next day.
This is 9th grade. I have no idea where he got crayons.
And this is just the beginning. Read on for more of Kevin’s antics.
Burn me once, shame on you.
Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire.
Didn’t quite think that one through.
Kevin stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang. He denied that it was ringing.
Not that it wasn’t his, not that he did it. No, he denied that the phone was actually ringing.
He tried it three times before the end of the year.
That’s not how it works.
Kevin kept a bottle of orange Kool-Aid in his backpack for about four months. He thought it would turn into alcohol.
He drank it during homeroom and threw up.
Kevin didn’t know dogs and cats were different animals.
Here’s how I found out.
We were doing an assignment on personification, and I had people describe their pets using it.
Kevin didn’t have any pets, but he said his neighbor had a cat he played with sometimes.
He listed off like three or four things and it became really apparent that he was describing a dog.
At first, I thought that maybe he just had trouble figuring out the right way to say it, but after two or three more sentences, it was abundantly clear that this was a really big dog.
Someone else who lived on the same street put 2 and 2 together as well and said “Kevin, that’s not a cat. That’s so-and-so’s black lab.”
Kevin was absolutely floored that A. someone else lived on his street and B. that there was a difference between a black lab and a house cat.
Like, I am only guessing, but I think to him, “dog” and “cat” were as interchangeable terms as “hat” and “cap.”
An indecent promposal:
Kevin asked a girl to prom (he was in 9th grade, and freshmen don’t go to prom) by asking for her phone number and then texting her his address.
Next up is a story about Kevin’s parents that shed a bit of light on the whole situation.
Kevin’s dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me…his English teacher. This was a public school.
When I gave it back to Kevin, voided, to give to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is a public school, Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at 7-Eleven after school.
First, run. Then, deny.
Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource Officer and tried to run away.
He ran into a door and insisted it wasn’t him.
11 bucks? What a baller.
Kevin didn’t understand that his grade was dependent on tests, quizzes, homework, classwork, and participation.
Kevin finished his first semester with a 3-percent average. He tried to bribe me with $11.
Who could have seen that one coming?
Kevin called the basketball coach a “Motherf**king B***h” during gym. Basketball tryouts were that afternoon. Kevin tried out.
It didn’t go well.
Was he trying to prove he had school spirit?
Kevin tased himself in the neck before a football game.
Think you’re done reading about Kevin? Nope! There’s still more.
How is this one even possible?
Kevin’s mom could never remember which school he went to. She missed several meetings because she drove to other schools (none of which he ever went to).
Kevin regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over, grabbing one before I had picked them all up, and then writing his name on it wherever there was room.
Peanuts, amoxicillin…what’s the difference?
Kevin had several allergies, but neither his parents nor he could remember what they were.
They were very concerned that “the holiday party” (it’s high school, we don’t have those) would have peanuts.
When they finally got a doctor’s note, he was allergic to amoxicillin.
Kevin spat on a girl and said: “You should get out of those wet clothes.”
The girl was the Spanish Student Teacher.
Kevin got gum in his hair. Constantly.
On the bright side, the next time you do something stupid, at least you can rest assured that you’re not as bad as this kid Kevin. No one is.
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