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SUCKS to be them: Worst 10 tweets from blue checks working overtime to RUIN Thanksgiving

What IS it about progressives that make them want to take the joy and fun out of every damn thing? Seriously, why can’t they just leave Thanksgiving alone? Don’t like the tradition? Don’t agree with America being awesome? Hate people in general and hang out with cats only? FINE. But leave the rest of us alone. Luckily their efforts only succeeded in giving us a bunch of tweets to make fun of; here are the top 10 (or worst 10) tweets from losers trying to ruin Thanksgiving:

10.

Read more: http://twitchy.com/

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Even the writer of the NYT’s profile of a white supremacist seems to think it was a swing and a miss

The print version will arrive Sunday, but online readers of the New York Times were able to read writer Richard Fausset’s profile of a white nationalist living in New Carlise, Ohio, a day early. As Twitchy reported Friday, a New York Times profile of conservative Ben Shapiro — whom some laughably consider “alt-right” — was enough to convince Debra Messing to allegedly cancel her subscription, so what reaction would Times readers have to an actual, self-declared Nazi sympathizer profiled in its pages? The reception was not good, overall.

Comic Michael Ian Black wasn’t necessarily contrary at all: why not profile white nationalists, especially if they seem more pathetic than powerful in the telling?

Read more: http://twitchy.com/

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You’ll See Santa’s Butt On A Lot Of Ugly Christmas Sweaters This Year

For decades, ugly holiday-themed sweaters were a minor part of the Christmas season. They were lovingly lambasted like Grandma’s fruitcake, or eggnog made without liquor.

About a decade ago, companies started making sweaters that added blue humor to the red-and-green color scheme.

For a certain section of the population, these types of ugly Christmas sweaters allow people to simultaneously enjoy the holiday while poking fun at the hullabaloo around it.

Looking for an ugly Christmas sweater that also expresses ugly truths about human behavior in party settings? We got your back.

  • Santa Butt Crack
    Santa is known for his snowy beard, twinkly eyes and — I was going to say rosy cheeks. However, after looking at this sweater, those cheeks look more like a pasty white.

  • Santa Alien Anal Probe
    This sweater is a reminder that all men over 50 should get a colonoscopy — even Santa.

  • Donald Trump Yuge Christmas
    Considering how polarizing Trump is, don’t be surprised if people build a wall around you at the Christmas party if you wear this sweater.

  • Beer Pong
    Wear this sweater and you won’t go to a party, the party will come to you. Have to be honest: Having people chuck pingpong balls at you is going to get old real quick.

  • Santa Breaks The Internet
    This doesn’t show Santa’s butt crack, but his curvaceous body is still the focus of this sweater. I’m sure Mrs. Claus is proud. So proud.

  • Cornhole Christmas
    Please, Hallmark Channel, please feature this sweater in a romantic comedy starring Candace Cameron Bure. Bonus points: If you call the movie “Cornhole Christmas.”

  • Face Swap Santa
    The fine people who made this sweater want you to know that you can swap out Santa’s face with a photo of yourself. However, most people’s eyes are glued to the bikini panties he’s wearing. It’s just how people are.

  • Whale Tail
    Did you ever wonder what kind of underwear Santa wore? Me neither, but thanks to this sweater I have an image I can’t get out of my head (shudder).

  • Naughty Santa
    Yet another butt-baring Santa, this time he’s getting punished by a very dominant Mrs. Claus. Maybe don’t wear this to Midnight Mass?

  • Ask Your Mom If I’m Real
    Christmas is a time of love, goodwill, peace and, if this sweater is any indication, passive-aggressive suggestions of parentage. Ho ho whoa.

  • Send Nudes
    This probably seemed a lot funnier back in the summer before all the allegations and accusations of sexual harassment started. It certainly seems uglier than the other ugly Christmas sweaters.

  • Rick And Morty
    Considering how devoted the “Rick and Morty” fanbase is, I suspect you might be able to sell this for big bucks at any Christmas party you attend.

  • Ranch Dressing
    In recent years, companies have started using ugly Christmas sweaters to promote their product (and maybe a little peace and goodwill). I’m a purist: I want my ugly Christmas sweaters to actually be sweaters, not sweatshirts. Yes, sweaters are itchier, but a holiday sweater’s itchiness is a feature, not a bug. Also, the patterns should cover the entire sweater, not just the middle. Amazingly, the actual Hidden Valley logo on this sweatshirt seems to be hidden.

  • Kiss Me Under The Mistletoe
    True, this sweater suggests the wearer might be open-minded towards public displays of affection. However, I doubt wearing a mass-produced ugly Christmas sweater that hints none too subtly at oral sex counts as consent.

  • Cat Pizza Christmas
    Cats are great. Christmas is great. Pizza is great. Mix them all together randomly on a shiny, shiny sweatshirt? Definitely ugly.

  • Hairy Santa
    The key to a good ugly Christmas sweater is in the details. Seems to me if you’re wearing a sweater that is supposed to be Santa, the chest hair should be white or gray, not black.

  • Santa Elf Duel Sweater
    This is a really cute sweater to wear to a Christmas party, provided your partner is somewhat the same height. Be prepared to hear lots of comments like “Where’s Mrs. Claus?” or “Santa’s got a side elf!”

  • The Flash
    This sweater might seem cool today, but I suspect it’s a Flash in the pan.

  • Alf
    The Generation Gap (A Short Play by David Moye)
    Me: “Hey kids! Look at this ugly Christmas sweater!
    Kids: “Who is that?”
    Me: “What do you mean? That’s Alf!”
    My son: “What’s an Alf?”
    Me: “He’s a character from an old sitcom. Alf stands for Alien Life Form.”
    My daughter: “Huh?” [Goes back to her phone.]
    Me: “It was a funny show. Sort of.”
    My son: “That’s OK, Dad. You do you.”

  • Rolling Stones
    UglyChristmasSweater.com
    Before you immediately click on this link to purchase this, just remember: There is no way Mick Jagger or Keith Richards would ever wear this. Definitely not Charlie Watts or Ron Wood either. Bill Wyman might, but he’s not in the band anymore.

  • Christmas R2-D2
    I don’t know what I admire more about George Lucas: The way he regurgitated classic mythology tropes into a new series of legends or the shameless way he allowed his beloved characters to shill Christmas products.

    Fun fact: Jon Bon Jovi once sang a song called “R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas.”

  • Gingerbread Man Light Saber Duel
    If nothing says Christmas like gingerbread men in a lightsaber duel, what does that say about Christmas?

  • Monster Truck
    Christmas is supposed to be about love, goodwill and kindness toward your fellow humans, right? So there’s a part of me that wonders what message you send wearing an ugly Christmas sweater that says “Grave Digger”on it. Oh, it’s the name of a truck? Ah. Thanks for clearing that up.

  • Drunk Santa
    If this sweatshirt is any indication of what’s really going on at the North Pole, maybe Santa should focus less on the eight reindeer and more on the 12 steps.

  • Santa In Jail
    This ugly Santa sweater seems like a natural continuation of what might happen when Santa gets three sheets to the wind.

  • Captain Morgan
    Well, at least now we know who got Santa in trouble with the law: Good old Captain Morgan.

  • Throw Me A Bone
    Yes, even dogs can join the ugly Christmas sweater craze. Whether they want to or not is something we won’t know until someone invents a canine communication device. Someone invent that device. Please.

Read more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

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5 Things That Will Turn Your Bodily Fluids Straight-Up Alien

It’s a statistical fact that going to see a doctor is worse than a biting a sandwich and finding a really long hair enrobed in warm mayonnaise dangling from your lips afterward. No one likes the doctor. You go to the doctor when your life depends on it. It is due to our instinct for self-preservation that we endure these givers of bad news and prodders of genitals. Our discomfort is in no small part related to the fact that weird, embarrassing shit is often afoot when you need a doctor. Something has gone super wonky, and you need a professional to work it out for you. Because sometimes you just go jamming your food hole full of shit that runs a fun house chain in your body and makes everything work like a Nickelodeon cartoon that makes no sense but is, more or less, not a super big deal.

5

How To Shit A Rainbow

I write about poop more than a respectable adult should, but if I don’t do it, who will? In that spirit, let me tell you about what’s wrong with your butthole. For most of us, our 34 daily poops go off without a hitch. We sit down, spend a half-hour playing on the phone, open a window, and windsprint away from the room when no one is looking so we can’t take the blame for the acrid wasteland of despair we’ve left behind. But what happens when all doesn’t go as planned?

Like the poor children of the ’70s who endured Frankenberry’s pink poo scare, modern deuce aficionados have to be wary of what they ingest, because your insides are working in the dark and have no way to sort out the ungodly mess you throw at them in a way that won’t be harrowing if you eat the wrong thing. For instance, Burger King’s infamous Darth Whopper or whatever the fuck they called that needlessly black hamburger they made a while back. That thing straight up made you shit green.

Most of us have come to accept that dropping the kids off at the pool is going to be predictable, within reason. Maybe you’re having a robust day and lay out a caber that a Scotsman would be proud of, maybe you’re having a mousy day and peppering the bowl with niblets. That’s your deal, and I’ll not discuss it further. But texture and girth aside, we tend to expect it to not look like Slimer just shot out the back door and had pool party in the shitter.

The Black Whopper didn’t just give you spinachy poops; it turned your ass-smudgings full-on Green Goddess green. The buns were supposed to be tinted with A1 steak sauce, and must have used some kind of amazingly concentrated form of the seasoning to provide the bad luck of the Irish that followed.

Pepto Bismol is another crap shoot for your crap, as the stomach medication has a habit of turning your ass into a portal to a dark underworld of seething black hatred. The bismuth in Pepto can combine with sulfur in your GI tract and turn as black as the souls of the damned. Just imagine the confidence you’ll have in your diarrhea medicine if you take a few doses and then release a torrent of angry midnight into the toilet. That’s your insides telling you it’s time to try Imodium.

Slightly more terrifying that a Pepto obsidian squirt is the phantom white shit you’ll get if you have to endure a barium sulfate shake at the hospital. Barium sulfate is typically used when you have to have an x-ray or CT scan and the doctors want to see what’s going on in your guts. The barium goes in, coats your insides, and helps scans pick up any areas of concern. They’ll mix it into a shake or somesuch that you need to ingest an hour or two before the actual scan, and then you’re good to go. Unfortunately for some, as the barium is excreted out the back door, it has a tendency to go all White Walker in your intestines and suck the soul out of your otherwise-healthy poop, leaving it a pale, terrifying husk of a white monstrosity that you’ll probably stare at with an arched eyebrow for a moment or two before really hitting that flush handle hard.

4

Specific Teas Can Make Your Urine Smell Delicious

Being the mature individual that you are, you’ll probably have no interest in my bathroom musings. You might want to just brew up a hot cup of herbal tea and sit down and read the serious work of a serious journalist who would never point out that your just made your piss hole into a goddamn waffle house. In your face, serious journalism fan!

You may have encountered maple syrup urine disease in your travels — a condition characterized by the intense need to piss all over an IHOP. Wait, no, that was something else. But the disease does make your pee smell like delicious (but not delicious) maple syrup. So it’s probably a little disconcerting if you happen to smell that when you’re letting loose in between binged episodes of Ozark.

Turns out the genetic disease isn’t the only cause of the smell, however, as Fenugreek tea also seems to have a similar effect on your plumbing. Fucking a maple tree will possibly do it too, but I haven’t heard back from the intern I sent out on that test run. In any event, if you start smelling like you’ve been using flapjacks as a dick bib, just try to recall your tea-drinking habits before you get too bent out of shape over it. There are other things to worry about when it comes to the dangle of your wangle, anyway.

While stanky pee is obviously a point of concern, you’re probably also going to be taken aback should the day arrive when your splendid golden nectar starts sputtering out like a bloody rainbow sprinkler attachment. I distinctly remember a day in my first apartment when I had realized groceries were a thing you needed to actively go out and buy if you wanted a variety of food in your house, and thus I was forced to raid my cupboards in desperation for whatever I had handy. My aunt, who was almost raised by humans, had brought over a number of arguably edible substances as a housewarming gift, and that was the story behind the ten cans of beets in my pantry.

So I ate beets. I ate four cans of beets. And later that day, my piss came out so red that I briefly considered the possibility I had contracted Ebola at some point earlier in the week. It was like the Kool-Aid man was pranking me by standing behind me and pissing just between my legs. I’d never seen anything like it. And slightly worse was that I really had to piss, so I had to stand there and finish for what seemed like an impossibly long time as this crimson deluge raged forth, hoping to god I didn’t pass out from blood loss and end up unconscious in the bathroom covered in blood piss.

3

Certain Foods Can Make You Sweat Cat Piss

Ever take the city bus? It’s like travelling to Narnia if the trip takes too long, and Narnia fucking hates you. I used to bus to work all the time back in the day, and the trip was literally 90 minutes to get where I was going, so I had a lot of time to really stew in the experience. One thing I noticed with disturbing regularity was the number of people who smelled like their cat had tried to bury them in the yard that morning.

My mom had a thing for cats, so I always had a few in the house growing up, including one who assumed a good substitute for a litter box was wherever he happened to be when the piss came out. So the smell of cat piss is seared into my brain. I’d know it at 50 yards. And there were a handful of bus people who clearly left their clothes within reach of their cats. Or so I thought!

Turns out if you’re a big fan of protein but maybe not so much a fan of carbs, you’re setting your body up to burn protein for energy and excrete ammonia as a waste product. That ammonia comes out through your sweat glands mixed with all the various other glandular juices that make you into the musky delight we all want to be trapped next to on a hot day on public transportation. So when you run for the bus and work up a sweat, what comes out is basically your own personal brand of cat piss.

I’ll never know for sure if those bus people were all just ham fanatics who hated rice and bread or if they legit had 50 cats at home. I mean, some of them clearly had the 50 cats at home, but I can’t paint everyone with the same brush. I guess what I’m saying is that you can’t judge a book by its cover, and you can’t judge a cat owner by the eye-stinging aroma of piss that hangs about them in a cloud.

Fun side note: That cat I had when I was a kid? Totally pissed on a pair of my jeans in sixth grade, and I’d clearly gone nose-blind to the whole deal, so I went to school one day stinking like a goddamn alley cat’s tangled backside. Really helped me figure out who my real friends were.

2

Vegetables Can Turn Your Skin Full-On Oompa Loompa

If you were a kid from the ’60s through the ’80s, “skin tone” was a racist crayon. Nowadays, those of us who just use Tiki torches in the yard for campfires know that there’s a little more to skin color than all that, and humans have a number of hues and tones. None of them, with maybe one notable exception, are orange. There just aren’t orange people. Not normally, anyway.

As it happens, the saying “You are what you eat” kind of applies here, thanks to a condition called carotenemia. A number of super healthy veggies — like carrots, for instance — are packed to the gills with beta-carotene, a thing they say on commercials when they talk about healthy stuff, and that means it’s good for you. But like Alien movies and alcoholic milkshakes, too much and you’re treading in dangerous territory.

That excess of beta-carotene in your body can and will start turning you colors, from a pale yellow all the way to a distinct orange if you’re not careful. Like colloidal silver turning your ass blue, carotenemia will turn you a delightful shade of tangerine dream. Even if you alter your diet to eat like a normal human and less like a rabbit, you’re potentially looking at a few months of life on the golden side of things.

1

All Up in Your Blood

You like your blood, right? You keep it pretty close by, try not to leave it laying around in restaurants or flea markets, and you definitely don’t flash it around in Vampire Town. It’s got to be super off-putting to discover that you’re living your life as a red-blooded Canadian (or whatever you are — Alsatian, Martian, etc.), only to discover that shit isn’t red at all.

A 42-year-old man was supposed to be getting surgery when doctors took a moment to appreciate that his blood was a dark, verdant green. That’s not a usual thing, you know. Like those no-account Vulcans and their lack of iron in their hemoglobin, this fellow also had some serious hemoglobin issues. Specifically, he was suffering from the not-at-all-difficult-to-say sulfhaemoglobinaemia, a condition wherein sulfur molecules get all up on your hemoglobin like some pervy bro at a club.

So how does one get sulfhaemoglobinaemia? You can’t even get that shit on Amazon. In this man’s case, it was Sumatriptan. Sumatriptan is a migraine drug, marketed as Imitrex and a few other names, and this guy was taking a shitload of it. How much of it? Somewhere between the recommended dose and a “turn you blood green” dose. So if you have an issue with migraines, do yourself a favor and follow the directions. Because even if green blood sounds cool, that shit will probably kill you eventually. And that’s not logical. See what I did there? Vulcan humor.

Inject Ian’s Twitter into your life and forever be better for it. Or worse. Or the same, whatever.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/

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Bin Laden files reveal fondness for ‘funny cats,’ ‘Charlie bit my finger’ videos

The world’s most wanted terrorist spent his decade on the lam watching the viral classic “Charlie Bit My Finger…again,” how-to tutorials on crocheting the perfect puff stitch and videos of women blowing bubbles.

The CIA this week declassified nearly half a million documents seized in the 2011 raid of Usama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout, including a 200-page handwritten journal, a video of his son’s wedding and mix of western movies including “Home on the Range” and “The Three Musketeers.”

While there’s the possibility some of the video choices aren’t solely his – he shared his cramped Abbottabad bunker with three bickering wives, five children, four grandchildren and a handful of couriers – the preferences do raise some eyebrows and at times, chuckles.

It seems that bin Laden – or whoever was using his computer – got a kick out of watching funny cat videos on YouTube. Other favorites included amateur girl fights, pirated Nintendo DS games and multiple Naruto downloads. Naruto is a Japanese manga series where a ninja dreams of becoming the leader of his village.

The hardline terror leader and big time U.S.A. hater also seemed to have a soft spot for “Antz,” “The Pink Panther,” and “Chicken Little.”

But not everything was PG-rated.

The Al Qaeda mastermind’s video stash included graphic footage of the 2004 beheading of American Jack Hensley as well as three documentaries about himself and another on conspiracy theories about the Sept. 11th attacks on U.S. soil.

What wasn’t released was his purported porn stash, which has long been the subject of fascination since its existence was first reported by Reuters.

The closest things seem to be copies of the porn arcade games Fantasy ’95 and Perestroika Girls.

The CIA declassified nearly half a million audio, video and image files on Wednesday that were seized in the 2011 raid. It was the fourth installment of bin Laden files. The first batch was released in 2015, another in 2016 and one earlier this year.

CIA Director Mike Pompeo said that he authorized the release of the documents in the interests of “transparency” and “to enhance public understanding of al-Qaeda and its former leader.”

“Today’s release of recovered al-Qaeda letters, videos, audio files and other materials provides the opportunity for the American people to gain further insights into the plans and workings of this terrorist organization,” Pompeo said. 

He added that the CIA would continue to “seek opportunities” to share information with the American people.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/

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5 Sucky Things That Suck On Purpose

This may come as a surprise, but I like it when things don’t suck. In fact, I would say that I devote 80 percent of my efforts toward avoiding suckage. Sadly, though, I can’t control the actions of others, and I won’t ever be able to until The Device is perfected. But until then, some people make shitty things, and the rest of us have to deal with it. And while we can comfort ourselves with the knowledge that everyone makes mistakes as we eat a pizza which inexplicably arrived topped with double olives and pineapple, there’s no solace in the knowledge that some people do shitty things entirely on purpose. On that note, here are five terrible things which people made fully knowing that they’d be terrible.

5

The Google Glass Battery

If you were sober or literate in 2013 and 2014, you may have had to endure the deluge of tech profiles and extremely not-boring thinkpieces on Google Glass. If you could not in fact read or legally drive in 2013 and 2014, Google Glass was basically Google’s answer to the question “What’s a super expensive piece of shit I can intrusively wear on my face which will obscure my vision and make anyone around me fearful that I’m videotaping them like some kind of creeper?” You know, a question that we’ve all asked.

While most of us immediately dismissed Glass as being about as appealing as a herpes scab parfait, there were naturally a few fans who couldn’t wait to be the dollar store version of Geordi LaForge. But even amongst those die-hard tech fluffers, there was a clear issue: Glass had a battery that sucked like a leech in the coldest recesses of the vacuum of space.

The battery life of Google Glass clocked in at around 45 minutes, meaning that you had just enough time to stream yourself watching one episode of Young Sheldon and then crying about it afterwards before it shut off. Google tried to explain this away as an intentional design feature that was actually beneficial and not an example of a battery assembled by a one-eyed guy in an flea market who smells like cats.

According to Google, your cellphone is just a dangerous espionage device constantly listening to you from your pants pocket and maybe sending all that sweet, sweet pants gossip back to Samsung or the Kingsmen or whoever the fuck cares what you’re doing. So in an effort to heroically protect you from filthy spies, Google intentionally made a shitty battery so that the New World Order agents will only be able to watch half of your masturbation session before they’re left hanging. Suck it, dickholes! You’ll never know how this one ends!*

*Hastily, with a climactic yawp.

4

Low-Quality Viral Commercials

In 2011, the internet was blessed with one of the worst commercials for a taxidermy business that anyone had ever seen. I say this not as a connoisseur of taxidermy ads, but as a logical human being. Also, do taxidermy places really need commercials? What more needs to be said, other than “Hey! Do you like wolves, but hate the bitey, movey kinds?”

This commercial for Ojai Valley Taxidermy featured the one-two punch of Chuck Testa’s taxidermy skill and acting, and made us all fall in love with the stuffed corpse of a coyote and the overall awfulness of the entire experience. It was poorly made, clearly cheap, and its only redeeming quality was that all of the badness made it charming as hell. Chuck Testa became an internet hero. And it was all bullshit.

Testa is just one of many viral commercial stars made famous for being in videos often shared as “the worst commercial I’ve ever seen.” One commercial for a mall from 2014 featured employees singing a jingle that sounded like a cross between 3 a.m. barf-in-your-own-shoe-drunk karaoke and a cat stuck in a well. It sucked large, and people went nuts about it.

For a local business trying to drum up some attention, you have two options: Legitimately make a forgettable, boring, low-budget commercial which blandly explains whatever you’re trying to sell, or roll the dice on potentially going viral by making an abomination. Create such an abysmal crime against advertising that the sun refuses to shine when the video is playing and birds immediately stop singing and synchronize-shit on your car. Make it so bad that everyone immediately shares it with everyone they know. And then your craptastic commercial becomes an internet sensation.

They say people are ten times as likely to share a bad experience with a business than a good one. People like to complain more than they like to praise, probably because if something goes right, it fits in with your expectations and is therefore unremarkable. It’s only when things go wrong that you get worked up and make a stink over it. So when you see a commercial that damn near offends you with its utter fuckshittery, you’ll share that monstrosity with everyone. And that’s exactly what they want.

3

Web Brutalism

When I first got the internet in my house as a kid, we got a state-of-the-art, badass, lightning-fast 56k modem. I could download an MP3 in like ten minutes, and sometimes an entire dirty picture would load up before something went buggy and the poor woman was cut off at the knees. And seven out of every ten websites looked like a low-res My Little Pony pony ralphed cotton candy and Four Loko across a small-town church bulletin board.

As time passed, we all grew up and became better people with better websites. Dancing baby GIFs gave way to interstitial ads and Flash videos. Designs that looked like they were made by a guy with vinegar in his eyes working in the dark faded away, and sleek, professionally designed mega porn sites took their place. It was a great time to be alive. Or so we thought, because I guess people got sick of things that don’t look like shit and Web Brutalism was born.

If the terribly cheesy name didn’t give it away, Web Brutalism is a kind of artsy shitsy internet aesthetic. You purposefully make your website look like the south end of a northbound horse. Ugly, disorganized graphics, shockingly off-putting colors, a veritable dumpster of design techniques shat out onto a screen — if your site doesn’t look a fourth-grader’s glue and cardboard collage, you’ve failed.

A classically bad website was designed on Angelfire by your aunt who collects figurines of Jesus playing sports when she wanted to do something to commemorate her love of beat poetry. Some links were unclickable, images didn’t quite line up right, and it had charm in the same way your macaroni artwork had charm to your mom, who never told you that it looked like shit because she loved you. By the way, your macaroni art looked like shit. It’s cool, though, mine looked like the shit that shit takes after eating shit sandwiches. And somehow, someone decided a forced version of that was a good idea.

Web Brutalism seeks to make a website harder to navigate and uglier to look at than a fine, upstanding site, like the one you’re currently enjoying. Why? The answer is best summed up in this quote I heard from a guy in a bar once: “Fuckin’ because.”

2

Bioware’s Female Designs

Back in the day when I had an NES, there were basically two female characters you could name across the spectrum of video game characters: Princesses Peach and Zelda, and I don’t even think Zelda was actually in her game. But I did beat Super Mario Bros. 2, and Peach helped a brother out on that one, so yeah, you could say I’m like a video game feminist or some such. Which is why Bioware’s curious history with female characters is such a headscratcher.

Bioware makes some pretty impressive-looking games, like Mass Effect, and the character designs are amazing. There is a definite problem with some of them, though, insofar as that amazingness is in how straight up nuts-on-a-donkey ugly they are.

When Mass Effect: Andromeda was released, fans were quick to notice that the male version of the player character, Ryder, looks super badass and cool and almost exactly like the male model who lent his likeness to the game designers. The female version of Ryder looks like the model if you rolled her in a sack of sadness and didn’t let her sleep for four days while feeding her a straight diet of CHUD.

Twitter

So why, if you have the ability to render characters in a way that makes them look like not vaguely emotive ballsacks, would you make your character look like a vaguely emotive ballsack? This one requires a bit of creative tinkering in the ol’ thinky bag, but it does make sense. Female characters in gaming, as you may be aware, have a bit of a lackluster history in terms of realistic representation. After Princess Peach, the next big name in lady characters was Lara Croft, who was at first presented as polygonal boobs on blocks, and then later as well-vectored boobs on well-vectored short pants. And thus began a tradition of most video game women being little more than boobs and confusion. So maybe Bioware makes their female characters less appealing on purpose so as to not be considered sexist or douchey.

Bioware has never come out and said they’ve made purposefully ugly characters. They have acknowledged abhorrent animation issues and terrible facial expressions which they set to work on fixing, but fans were all pretty convinced that there had to be more behind the distractingly objectionable visages of the female characters. As noted gamer nerd and feminist Lisa Kerzner argues in her video, it looks an awful lot like Bioware put considerable effort into downplaying the character’s face to make her more of an ugmo hero type (but just in the face), while trying to pawn it off as a technical limitation. Despite the fact that numerous other games can feature women who don’t look like victims of barnyard mad science, including a lot of Bioware’s previous games.

Unfortunately, dealing with matters of sex, sexism, and gender in video games is like opening a bag of cat shit lined with explosive squibs right in your damn face. If you recall anything to do with Gamergate, you know this is ground no one wants to tread on, so you almost can’t blame Bioware for not saying jack shit about it, as you don’t want to feed any trolls. But at the same time, when it’s obvious that they can make a nearly identical male character, there’s clearly a reason they’re not putting that same kind of effort into their females.

1

Scam Email Grammar

Usually when I send emails, I spell the multi-syllable words incorrectly and use grammar that’s about as fucked as a friction-burnt Fleshlight. But that’s my own bugaboo to deal with, and has little-to-no bearing on the world of scam email.

The odds of you having never received a Nigerian scam email are slimmer than Slender Man’s weird dick, which I’ll tell you about sometime if you buy me a few beers. But for the sake of the kids in the audience who are reading this on the wall I inscribe all my articles on and have never received email before, a Nigerian scam email is a poorly worded piece of fuckery that shows up in your inbox claiming to be from some African prince who has millions of dollars tied up in banks overseas, and if you could just help pay some transfer fees, you can keep a buttload of it!

Typically, these emails use terrible grammar and atrocious spelling, not because the person sending you the email is a blithering idiot, but because they need you to be so gullible that you believe a Wakandan prince personally sent you a one-way ticket to being a millionaire, and he typed the message with a greasy turkey leg in his hand while riding a homemade roller coaster.

Most of us can identify a scam email right away. Another subsection of people will be suspicious but interested. And an even smaller division will write back to test the waters. The scammers want nothing to do with any of those people. They want the person who immediately responds with their bank account number in the signature line, because they only want to deal with people who may have mistaken a ham bone for Tony Danza more than once in their lives. So don’t be too proud if you recognize right away that someone sent you a weak as shit attempt at ripping you off; they just didn’t want you to waste their time.

Ian’s Twitter is awesome on purpose. Go look.

Does Troll 2 suck on purpose? Find out for yourself, and go down the rabbit hole of recommendations like Samurai Cop and more!

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/

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Woman Finds Her Two Mischievous Cats Stoned After They Ate Her Cannabis Plants

Did you know that animals can get high too? There are plenty of cases of pets and livestock dancing with Mary Jane. Unfortunately, many don’t enjoy the feeling as much as some humans, and, in large doses, cannabis can be harmful to animals.

But two cats in Massachusetts got totally spaced out, man! The woman who owned the cats had been growing several marijuana plants in pots inside her house. After a problem with her grow lights, she moved the plants onto her porch so they could still soak up some sun for a little while. However, the porch was accessible to her cats, and she soon discovered that they had a penchant for the ganja. She returned to find some of her pots tipped over, soil spilled everywhere, and multiple half-eaten marijuana plants strewed across the floor. Like any good social media user, she filmed what had happened to her beloved marijuana plants. Her two cats were lazily sprawled out under a couple of deck chairs, not moving too much and looking totally stoned. While it can’t be said for sure if the two cats were actually high, they appeared to be in no pain and were quite happy and relaxed. According to Ronald K. Siegel, who wrote the book Intoxication: The Universal Drive for Mind-Altering Substances, many animals are fully aware that certain plants offer different ways to get high. He has observed that many different species return to specific plants to experience their mind-altering properties again and again. Pictured below is one of the naughty cats who got a lot more than they bargained eating their mom’s plants! However, when you see what these cats looked like close up, I think you’ll agree that this will be their first and last dance with Mary Jane! There are many more well-known instances of animals getting high. Just last year, a herd of stoned sheep terrorized a village in Wales. The sheep wreaked havoc after chowing down on a bunch of marijuana plants. According to witnesses, the sheep began to roam the streets in a daze, ran in front of traffic, and they were even breaking into villagers’ back yards. This cat is so stoned that it doesn’t even care about getting its beautiful fur covered in soil! This is exactly what Siegel had to say about animal drug use, “After sampling the numbing nectar of certain orchids, bees drop to the ground in a temporary stupor, then weave back for more. Birds gorge themselves on inebriating berries, then fly with reckless abandon. Cats eagerly sniff aromatic ‘pleasure’ plants, then play with imaginary objects. “Cows that browse special range weeds will twitch, shake, and stumble back to the plants for more,” he added, while “elephants purposely get drunk off fermented fruits.” However, as you can tell, the woman’s other cat didn’t fare much better. Although, admittedly, it is still able to keep its eyes open! So it’s no surprise, that upon finding several unattended cannabis plants, that the two cats decided to have a munch. After all, cats are no strangers to using recreational substances – including catnip! I imagine this is what these cats looks like in the act of getting stoned… Cats go crazy for a little catnip, but did you know that the substance is actually used as a relaxant or sleep aid for humans? Yes, the magical treat that perks your cat up and makes him more playful will probably put you right to sleep. You can watch the two cats living the high life here: Despite its effects, roughly 33% of cats are strangely unaffected by catnip. This appears to be the result of genetics, but those unfortunate few could give cannabis a try. After all, those two cats in Massachusetts sure seemed to enjoy themselves! However, it turns out that it’s not just cats that enjoy catnip. This dachshund went wild the first time he tried it: But on a serious note, it’s probably not a good idea to let your pet have access to recreational drugs!

Read more: http://www.viralthread.com

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Man Claims His Apartment Is Haunted By A Demonic Baby And Has A Video To Prove It

Most of us are first introduced to the supernatural when we hear about ghosts as kids. Usually this happens whilst we are watching TV, or when a parent suggests dressing up as one at Halloween because, y’know, it’s a good way to save money on a decent costume.

Us humans are fascinated by ghosts, and the afterlife in general. Although there is no absolute scientific evidence that ghouls exist, there have been countless reports of sightings over the years and, since the invention of photography, questionable looking spectres appearing in pictures. My mom has always been a great believer in the supernatural, and when I was about eight years old, she made the rookie error of telling me a bedtime story that left me unable to sleep for months. It was about a ghost called the Grey Lady. According to my mom, she saw the Grey Lady whilst recovering from an operation. Legend has it that she was once a nurse who worked at the hospital and committed suicide after making a fatal mistake. She reportedly appears whenever there’s a crisis. Another story that resulted in me running into my parents’ bedroom cowering was about my grandpa. He’d worked as a gravedigger, and my mom, failing to learn from the Grey Lady incident, told me about something creepy that had happened to him. Looking back, this was her way of trying to convince me that an afterlife exists. She told me that one night my grandpa’s dog, who usually happily went with him to the graveyard, refused to go anywhere near its gates after seeing something he couldn’t. But now New Yorker Adam Ellis, pictured above, has claimed to have evidence of something a lot more terrifying than whatever spooked my grandpa’s dog and the Grey Lady. There’s a demonic baby haunting his apartment, and he’s got the pictures to prove it! Adam hasn’t just revealed that there’s a demonic baby haunting his apartment, he’s gone as far as to say they’ve got a name, and it’s as a terrifying as you’d expect it to be. The demonic baby is apparently called “Dear David”. Adam decided to take to social media to share the haunting with the world, and now thousands of people are eagerly awaiting his updates about what Dear David has done next on Twitter. “The first time I saw him, I was experiencing sleep paralysis and saw a child sitting in the green rocking chair at the foot of my bed,” Adam wrote. “He had a huge misshapen head that was dented on one side. I did my best to draw it.” “So, my apartment is currently being haunted by the ghost of a dead child, and he’s trying to kill me. He started appearing in dreams, but I think he’s crossed over into the real world now,” Adam wrote on the seventh of August. “For a while he just stared at me, but then he got out of the chair and started shambling toward the bed. I couldn’t move because I was paralyzed. (I have sleep paralysis fairly often. It sucks.) Right before he reached my bed, I woke up screaming.” “I had another dream a few nights later, where I was in a library, and a girl came up to me and said, ‘You’ve seen Dear David, haven’t you?’” the New York native wrote. Determined to prove that it was more than just a figment of his imagination, Adam began to record supernatural happenings in his apartment at night. Pictured below is one of Adam’s cats staring at a glass which has just moved of its own accord: The haunting eventually got so bad that Adam decided to move into the apartment above the one he had been living in an attempt to escape Dear David’s tyranny, but it was to no avail. When he moved into the new apartment, his cats went to his front door at midnight, causing him to believe that there was something supernatural on the other side of it. This is sounding freakishly like what happened to my grandpa! “If David is going to kill me, maybe I can at least get evidence on my phone,” he eventually concluded. Adam posted the resulting photographs on Twitter on the seventh of November, and to call them terrifying would be putting it mildly. To make matters worse, the New York man hasn’t provided any updates on the story since posting these pictures which, as much as I don’t want to believe it, could be evidence that Dear David has finally succeeded in his mission to kill him. However, it’s more than likely that he’s simply been spooked into silence. But it turns out that not call ghosts are as evil as Dear David. A “ghost man” was seemingly caught on camera saving a little girl’s life: We hope that Adam eventually sees sense and calls in the only people equipped to deal with this situation… You can keep up with the story by following Adam’s Twitter.

Read more: http://www.viralthread.com

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